Chapter Eighty-Five: Li Yuanba

The house felt strangely charged, and the eldest granddaughter was pulling Zhang Miaoke aside for a long, whispering conference. She shot Yun Hao an ambiguous glance, then resumed whispering. When had these two women become such intimate friends? Yet, thinking about it, it made sense. A girl of sixteen and a girl of fifteen becoming close companions was only natural. But when Yun Hao thought of Li Er, that lecherous fiend, he grew uneasy. He would have to keep a close eye on things, or there was a real risk of being made a cuckold. Scientists had proven that sisters-in-law, younger sisters-in-law, and a wife’s best friend were all high-risk zones for a shameless husband’s infidelity.

Yun Hao decided to ignore the two women. Married women all had a tendency to drift toward harlotry. The eldest granddaughter was a perfect example: just look at her today, full of vitality, her skin glowing with luster. Anyone could tell she had been thoroughly nurtured the night before by Li Er’s vigorous efforts. There had never been a cow worked to death; he had never once seen a field worn out by plowing. May the two of you wretches work yourselves to death!

The back courtyard was no place to stay. It belonged to the eldest granddaughter and Zhang Miaoke’s camp. As soon as Yun Hao arrived, one person thrust an apple at him, another a date. Some of higher standing even reached out to pinch his plump little cheeks. When he batted away those dainty, greasy hands, a burst of silver laughter rose around him. One of them was even itching to try, and by the look of it seemed very much inclined to give him a proper tug.

The kitchen was a good place. Usually, once Yun Hao entered it, everyone except Xin'er and Yuan'er would keep their distance. Zhang Miaoke treated Yun Hao’s cooking skills like a secret recipe that had to be guarded with the utmost care. This move earned high praise from Lady Zhao, who became even more certain that her future daughter-in-law was adept at running a household. Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law got along wonderfully, almost like a real mother and daughter. More often than not, Yun Hao felt like the outsider.

There was someone in the kitchen, and they were being furtive about it. The person had slightly dark skin and was rather thin and small. The light was dim, so his age could not be made out clearly. But from his build, he seemed to be a youth.

"Hush..." Seeing that a child had come in, the youth raised a forefinger and blew on it before pressing it to his lips.

"You..." Yun Hao looked around. He was the only one there, and he could not understand how this fellow had gotten inside. At this hour there ought to be no one in the kitchen at all.

"Keep your voice down. There’s good food in this kitchen. Are you here to steal something to eat too? Don’t let the master of the house see you. Here, have this chicken leg." As he spoke, he handed over a warm fried chicken leg.

This was the Yun family’s special fried chicken. The pieces had all been marinated in advance before being fried. The flavor had been absorbed long ago, and the eldest granddaughter, with her Khitan blood, especially liked richer foods. After tasting the fried chicken, she had immediately fallen in love with it. That spendthrift woman generously gave her best friend a whole basketful, but her request for a cook was coldly rejected.

Clearly, these fried chickens belonged to the eldest granddaughter. Yun Hao found it very strange that a youth had somehow slipped into his home and dared to steal the eldest granddaughter’s fried chicken at that. Did he not know that the lady known as Guanyin Slave had a terrible temper? It was said that after the Xuanwu Gate affair, the woman who led the troops into the palace to sweep out the inner quarters was this very she-devil. Stealing from her? Was he tired of living?

The hand taking the chicken leg was greasy with oil, while the other was already grabbing more fried chicken to stuff into his mouth. The crackling of cartilage was crisp and loud, while saliva dribbled from the corner of his mouth and a foolish grin spread across his face.

Yun Hao had once seen a film called Forrest Gump, and this fellow’s smile had the same cloned quality. With the sharp insight of a man who had lived sixty-two years in a previous life, Yun Hao could tell at a glance that this guy was short a few screws.

"There’s a braised pork knuckle over there. That’s the real good stuff." To test whether this fellow was truly addled or merely pretending to be a pig to eat a tiger, Yun Hao pointed toward the back, where the cook kept the braised knuckles.

The braised knuckles were sticky and glistening, and holding one felt like gripping a slick piece of meat. The moment the youth saw them, his eyes lit up. He immediately abandoned the fried chicken, seized an entire braised knuckle, and ate with such gusto that juice dripped everywhere. Watching the way he ate, Yun Hao suddenly felt hungry for no reason.

He ate so deliciously that neither a lion shaking its mane nor a monkey scratching its cheeks could describe his devotion. What was more, his appetite was astonishing. Under Yun Hao’s horrified gaze, one huge pork knuckle turned into several pale white pork bones. From the looks of it, the fellow even wanted to smash the bones open and eat the marrow inside—truly chewing the bone to suck out the marrow.

This was not fake stupidity. He was truly, undeniably stupid. Yun Hao reached a firm verdict on the fellow.

Under Yun Hao’s horrified stare, the youth fished up another knuckle...! This guy was also a bottomless pit, and Yun Hao revised his judgment once more.

Sneaking into my house to eat and drink, fine. But to actually reach into the pot and haul food out of it—that was too far. With one grab like that, the whole pot of knuckles was ruined. Who knew whether those hands had even been washed after the last trip to the latrine?

"Put it down!" Yun Hao decided to bully someone with a disability.

"What for?" the youth mumbled around a mouthful of knuckle.

"I said put it down. If you keep your paws in the pot, how is anyone else supposed to eat?" Seeing that the youth was still scooping food out, Yun Hao was instantly furious. He snatched a rolling pin off the table and prepared to make a move. Though he was no match for the youth in stature, this was his home, and he still had the advantage of being on his own ground. Deliberately raising his voice, he was waiting for someone outside to come in.

It was a decision Yun Hao would later regret for the rest of his lives. Before the words had even fallen, a greasy hand had clamped over his little mouth. Another arm locked around his neck with deadly force, and the smell of braised pork knuckle instantly flooded his nose. Worse still, the hand was slick with oil, and the sensation of it sticking to his face was utterly awful. The moment he struggled, it was as though threads were being pulled loose.

What was even more terrifying was that the youth had tremendous strength, his two arms like a pair of pythons. They coiled tightly around Yun Hao’s body, and Yun Hao could even feel his bones groaning. Dear heavens, could he really be strangled to death by this fool?

"Mm-mmm...!" The harder Yun Hao struggled, the tighter the youth held on. Yun Hao was already suffocating; darkness crept over his vision in waves. His mind began to fade as well. My heavens, was he really going to be strangled to death by an idiot in his own home? The thought had just begun when everything went black.

When he opened his eyes again, Yun Hao found himself lying in bed. Beside him sat Zhang Miaoke, her eyes red and swollen, while Lady Zhao looked close to crying herself to death. The eldest granddaughter stood awkwardly to one side, rubbing a handkerchief between both hands.

Under the eaves stood a thin, dark youth, while little Nannan kicked his leg in a huff. The youth only scratched at the itch and continued standing there as punishment.

"He’s awake! He’s awake!" Seeing Yun Hao come to, Yuan'er immediately cried out in delight.

In an instant, everyone gathered around Yun Hao’s bedside, and not a single one of them was a man.

"It’s good that you’re awake, good that you’re awake!" Lady Zhao wiped her tears as she lifted Yun Hao up. If there had not been so many people around, she would already have had him in her arms, feeding him milk.

"Young Master Yun, my Xuanba didn’t mean it... he...!" The eldest granddaughter hurried over to explain. The Li family still held this boy in high regard.

Xuanba? Li Yuanba? That boy was Li Yuanba? My heavens, not being crushed to death by him was truly a stroke of luck!