Chapter Two: Why Don’t We Try a Little S&M?

I wonder if anyone has ever walked a tightrope and knows what that feels like. In any case, Gu Lang’s current state of mind is much the same—like balancing on a tightrope at the edge of a cliff, flirting with death over and over again.

When he saw the new mission released by the system, his mouth hung open for a long time, unable to close.

Come on, man! The last task was only a simple chat-up, and though you gave me some free attribute points as a reward, after using them, my strength only increased by one, bringing my total up to four.

But that lady outside the door—the so-called goddess—has a full seven points of strength, almost double mine. Now you want me to arrange a candlelight dinner with her? Isn’t that a bit too fast? Why not just kill me outright!

Gu Lang grumbled, but life had to go on. Besides, after his first attempt at flirting, he no longer felt as much resistance to the idea of courting a female zombie. It’s just like a decent girl taking her first steps into the adult world; after the initial experience, the hesitation for the second time is much less.

Oh well, he’d suffered enough in his past life. Now it was only a matter of survival. The difference between “living” and “surviving” is just a single character—hardly significant.

So he began to ponder how to complete this candlelight dinner mission with the female zombie without getting hurt.

First off, a direct fight was out of the question. She had five points in speed and seven in strength; he had three and four, respectively, and an extra skill called “Savage Charge,” though he had no idea what it actually did. Forced confrontation was too risky, so he didn’t even consider it.

But he wasn’t entirely without advantages. His only real edge was his impressive four points in intelligence, while the female zombie had zero, utterly incapable of thought.

So Gu Lang’s strategy was to win with wits. And the only wits-based tactic he could think of was mankind’s most ancient method of hunting—setting a trap.

Luckily, in his downtime, he’d been a fan of camping. Whether or not he was any good at it was beside the point; what mattered was that he owned all sorts of camping equipment. Rather like how poor students tend to have the most stationery.

It didn’t take long for Gu Lang to gather up his gear from every corner of his home: climbing poles, ropes, a tent made of puncture-resistant fabric, and a mesh net that could be fashioned into a simple hammock.

Before the apocalypse, Gu Lang was the sort who looked out for himself, and his salary wasn’t low. All his gear was top-notch. Not to mention, these items were designed to withstand more than just the wilderness—they had to account for animal attacks and other hazards.

Since the female zombie outside had seven points of strength, Gu Lang compared it to his own—three points before leveling up, four after. With three points, he could lift about thirty kilograms; with four, forty kilograms. It seemed that each point of strength equated to lifting about ten kilograms. Seven points would be seventy kilograms—one hundred forty jin, almost as strong as a well-trained bodybuilder.

So damaging the equipment by brute force wasn’t realistic.

With this in mind, Gu Lang began to set traps around the living room entrance.

He tied climbing ropes to all four corners of the net, creating a makeshift snare that would tighten automatically under pressure, much like a fishing net. He then connected the ropes to heavy objects—sofa, coffee table, fridge, washing machine—so that once the zombie was caught, the weight would slow her down.

Next, he cut up the tent and placed the fabric a little behind the net, serving as a second layer to obscure her senses. Finally, he coiled up the remaining ropes and put them within easy reach for the final binding.

When all was ready, Gu Lang went to the front door and peered through the peephole. The female zombie seemed to have calmed down, wandering aimlessly in the hallway.

He took a deep breath and yanked open the security door.

Without a second thought, he went straight for the invitation, “Miss Yu Qiuchi, I’ve prepared a candlelit dinner here. Would you care to join me? If you’re interested, please follow me.”

He spoke fast and nervously, and before he finished, had already slipped behind the net.

As expected, the woman named Yu Qiuchi lunged at him. Clearly, she was eager to accept the invitation!

Gu Lang tensed, every muscle ready. As the zombie neared the door, he retreated hastily, and she plunged headfirst into the net. Her immense strength pulled the ropes taut, dragging the heavy objects across the floor with a screech.

Gu Lang’s heart pounded, but the fridge, sofa, and TV held firm against her assault.

He quickly stepped back, draped the cut tent over the ensnared zombie, and grabbed a rope—using all his strength to tie her up, loop after loop.

When he finished, the female zombie was reduced to a chubby, wriggling maggot, bound and struggling.

He couldn’t see her face under the curtain, but her raspy, metallic screeches filled the air. She was clearly not impressed by his hosting skills.

Once certain she couldn’t break free, he cautiously shut the door behind her and hurried to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Naturally, it was only a single portion, but he set out two sets of bowls and chopsticks. It was partly to save food, but mostly out of courtesy—she had accepted his invitation, after all.

As for candles, the apartment hadn’t lost power in ages, so there were none. He had to improvise with two bottles of strong liquor and strips of cloth as makeshift candles.

After struggling to secure the zombie to a chair—and anchoring it to the coffee table so she wouldn’t topple over—he brought over the dining table and laid out two plates of stir-fried vegetables and the liquor bottles.

It was still daylight, so he drew the curtains to plunge the room into darkness.

After all this, Gu Lang finally sat down across from the zombie. He looked at the figure bound like a dumpling, writhing and snarling, and was momentarily at a loss for words.

What now? Before the apocalypse, he’d never done anything this romantic, and he had no idea what to do next.

The system panel still showed the mission as incomplete.

After thinking it over, he got up, found a pair of scissors, and walked over to Miss Yu Qiuchi. He cut a hole in the curtain over her head, exposing her grayish-blue, vein-covered face.

Throughout the process, she thrashed and snapped at him, as restless as a child with ADHD.

He did this because, although he’d never actually participated in a candlelit dinner, he’d seen enough on TV to know that even if the woman had no appetite, at least her face wasn’t covered. Covering her face was just plain disrespectful!

In short, she was a handful.

When he finished, he returned to his seat, poured himself a glass of water, and, trying to be as elegant as possible, raised his glass to her.

“Bon appétit, Miss Yu Qiuchi.”

“Aaargh—!”

Unmoved, Gu Lang quickly ate his meal, feeling as if he were chewing wax. At the end, he dabbed his mouth with a handkerchief and feigned concern.

“Why aren’t you eating? No appetite?”

“Aaargh—!”

If he’d once felt awkward at the thought of dining with a zombie, after this meal, he’d become a pro.

At last, the system updated the mission status, confirming his efforts weren’t in vain.

[Current Mission: Please arrange a candlelit dinner as soon as possible, and show her your gentlemanly romance!]
[Mission Status: Completed]
[Reward: 3 free attribute points (System recommends investing in Charm to improve your romantic chances)]
[Remark: Though you meticulously prepared the candlelit dinner, the poor conditions meant the lady had no appetite. On the bright side, your unique ropework has won her favor—so you’re into this sort of thing? Why didn’t you say so earlier?]

Reading the final remark, Gu Lang almost coughed up blood.

Damn it, after more than twenty years of innocence, I’ve lost it all to this damned system!

With two absurd missions behind him, he no longer dared imagine what the system might come up with next. Marriage? Sleeping together?

Just thinking about sharing a bed with a zombie sent chills down his spine. He couldn’t help but shudder, and his gaze drifted to the “seductively wriggling” woman across the table.

Wait a second...

He’d never looked closely before, but even as a zombie, she was still rather pretty! No wonder her Charm stat read [5 (4?)].

So her attractiveness had dropped since turning, but she was still above average.

Not bad at all.

Lost in thought, Gu Lang immediately invested his three new attribute points into Strength.

His Strength now matched the female zombie’s at 7. Aside from still being slow, he was finally strong enough to try sleeping together!

The mission updated once more, and after reading it, Gu Lang was so stunned he slammed the table and stood up.

“What the hell? Exchanging tokens of affection to confirm a relationship?”

“Do I really seem that desperate?”